The Beautiful Narrative of The First Time She Drowned

By Florence Lin

Recently, I have been reading The First Time She Drowned by Kerry Kletter. This young adult fiction was strongly recommended to me by Benjamin Chang and has received excellent reviews online as well. As I read through the novel, I realize more and more why it is so well-liked: simply put, it is beautifully written. Told in the first person, The First Time She Drowned is a story about an 18-year-old girl, Cassie O'Malley. Cassie grew up idolizing and craving attention from her mother but being neglected by her. Her entire family is under the control of her mother, and aim only to please her. At age 15, under the instruction of Cassie’s mother, Cassie is placed into a mental institution. The novel mainly begins near the end of her stay at the institution and follows Cassie through her journey in the outside world, but frequently flashes back to Cassie’s past. By joining Cassie as she navigates and reflects on her life, readers empathize with her and find themselves lost in the narrative.

One of the greatest aspects of the novel is the flashbacks. Throughout the book, Cassie’s thought process may seem confusing to readers, such as why she feels so drawn to her mother yet distrusts and guards herself around her. Well-timed with great descriptions of her thinking at the time, these flashbacks allow the reader to understand more about why Cassie thinks the way she does. One of the most heartbreaking flashbacks happens when Cassie is lying in her room alone at the end of the day. She gets lost in her thoughts and relives a time when she felt unloved in first grade. She was having trouble sleeping and called out to her mom, who she could hear laughing and talking with her brother, Matthew, but was ignored. She then thought, “If I were a boy like Matthew, my mother would love me. She would stay and laugh with me in my room. [...] I went to my closet [...t]here I saw all the pretty girly dresses I loved so much hanging silently in a row like bodies. In an instant of decision, I tore them from their hangers and stuffed them in a ball. [...] I took a deep breath and went to my dolls, [...t]hey had kept me good company over the years, [...] I had to force myself to hate them. Boys didn’t like dolls, and although I knew I couldn’t be a boy, I could refuse my girlhood in my heart. In my heart I could be a boy like Matthew. So I gathered them up and dumped them with the suitcases” (Kletter 113). The flashback shows the reader that even as a first-grader, Cassie is so driven to please her mother that she gives up things she loves most, in hopes of being loved. 

These flashbacks do a great job of explaining the way Cassie feels about her mother, and the way her current thought process is written complements her past experiences and thoughts. These two aspects show how Cassie is plagued with this toxic mindset all her life. By showing how her mother intrudes into her daily thoughts and causes her anxiety, the author is able to portray the lasting impact of Cassie’s childhood. When she is alone on the beach with a boy she likes, she says “‘My mother used to say you could hear the ocean in a shell, but I could never hear it. I always thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t’ [...] [I wonder] why I brought my mother into this moment and ruined things” (161). Even when her mother is not physically present, she is present in Cassie’s consciousness and everyday life, which is brilliantly illustrated with subtle moments like such.

The book not only shows how Cassie’s mother affects Cassie’s attitude towards her but also towards others. The constant neglect Cassie faced as a child affects her daily and is shown through her thought process. A time when this happens is when Cassie’s college roommate, Zoey, apologizes to her. Cassie was waiting for Zoey to finish a meeting in the psychology building on campus but was asked to wait near the counseling center. This triggers her since she does not want to be viewed as a patient nor mentally unstable, and especially does not want anyone to know she has been in a mental institution. Cassie decides to stop waiting, and leaves, abandoning her friend. Back at the dorm, when Zoey expresses that this upset her, Cassie is defensive and blames Zoey for taking too long. Right after her retort, Cassie begins to think of moving out and ending her friendship with Zoey. When Zoey says she is sorry, Cassie thinks,  “The words are so foreign and shocking that my brain is unable to process them right away. I will myself to look at her, but I can’t quite trust it or get a handle on what I’m supposed to do here. I’ve never heard anyone say ‘I’m sorry,’ or at least not in a real way, not in the heat of a fight. [...I]t’s so incomprehensible that someone would leave themselves open like that. I want to turn around, confess that I’m the one who should be sorry, but I can’t make the words come out, can’t let myself be that vulnerable” (155-156). By not having healthy family relationships as a child, Cassie now has trouble being emotionally vulnerable and apologizing. She has been used to bottling everything up and being blamed for everything.

The First Time She Drowned discusses serious topics and has the difficult task of portraying the thought process of an emotionally damaged young adult. Though heartbreaking, this book is wonderfully written. Its narrative hooks the reader in and keeps the reader engaged. I would recommend this book to any teen or adult.